First, one must embrace the spirit of the robot. Some find this through transcendental meditation, years of self imposed seclusion or a meaningful bout of combat with a meta self from the dark dimension. As for myself I traversed the land until I found a sagacious android hermit in the outer reaches of East Finchley. I had to best him in a round of radioactive salmon fencing before he would revel his secrets to me. It took the best part of three weeks but it was worth it, plus he made really good sandwiches.

Once you have procured the essence of robothood you simply have to recite the incantation, remove your spleen, engrave it with the sacred oath then repeat ‘eki eki ftang whoo PING allahoo’ whilst dancing around a recently discarded set of polkadot underwear before throwing it at the nearest available walrus.

It’s really very simple.