I was on my lunch break just now and I wanted some yoghurt. I don’t mean that I felt like some yoghurt, I mean that my body suddenly decided that it knew exactly what it wanted with every single atom of its being, and that was yoghurt. It’s not my friend today, what with the sore throat and stomach and tongue that I suspect might have been replaced by some kind of tonguelike parasite in the night and possibly broken toe, so I wasn’t about to argue.
I went into the supermarket and found the yoghurt section, not an easy feat in itself because my local supermarket is posh and weird and going there is less of a shopping experience and more of an abstract voyage into the depths of the unknown. They move everything around so often that by this point they are no longer pretending and are basically playing a bold and open game of Guess Where We Put Your Shit This Time with its customer base. All the aisle signs have been replaced with giant Rorshach blots. When you ask where something is the employees no longer give you directions, they laugh and hand you the first of a series of cryptic clues on question-mark themed stationery.
So that took me a while, and when I finally ended up in the yoghurt section, I just…
This is at once one of the most hilarious and heart breakingly I-have-been-there and what-is happening-to-the-world things I’ve read.